Saturday, 2 August 2014

Pantomime dame crossed with

Alice Cooper...
you've got it in one...
me on the opening night.

At five this morning it hit me square between the eyes...
what did I look like?

A couple of days ago I was told by the trusty members of the cast 
stage makeup had to be applied with gusto.
Wandering in on the dress rehearsal night, I thought
I'd made a pretty good job of it.
'Oh no, you need to emphasise the eyes, cheeks, eyebrows!'

'Say no more!'

Last night this strolling player applied with trowel,
 industrial tipper lorry loads of kohl, eyeshadow and lippy.
My eyebrows arched with black.
Scuttling up the hill, I took the precaution of wearing shades,
as any self-respecting thespian would.

Looking at the other girls, strange to
say their beautifully applied makeup 
had taken on a definitely more muted tone.
And still I didn't twig!
 Award-winning performances they put in gazing at my
ravaged face.

'Are these apple circled cheeks a tad over the top?'

'A little too purple!'
Well, in place of not having blusher, I'd applied,
purple hair chalk, what did they expect?'
I did have the sense to Nivea them off and apply
slightly more muted slap.

And still it didn't dawn on me!
Well that is until suddenly at 5 am like a bolt of lightening
it hit me...
Ageing drag queen, crossed with Les Dawson.
Today's performances will be less slap, 
more method acting and refinement...
femme fatale...
a parody in more muted motion.
People must never, ever say give it some wellie Lin,
cos that's exactly what I do.
I know, I know it's a question of degrees.

Ted needless to say rocked them in the aisles.
A star is born.


  1. Glad it went well for you both. I see a Christmas panto on the horizon.

    Jean x

  2. Trouble is Jean, as I prepare for two sweltering performances today; I feel it in the pit of my very being, that I will corner the market in battle-axes.


  3. Aunt Sally in Worzel Gummidge (with added wrinkles of course) is more my make-up style, stage or no stage. If no film, can we see some photos, please?

    1. Nilly, WSD will be there at tomorrow night's performance, being a good photographer we will see if she can take some action shots. Not a 100% sure photo's are allowed. We'll check with our agents!


  4. God I wish I'd been there, please put on your photos! after all we've been with you right from your audition, but seriously I'm so impressed, (I'd loved to have tread the boards, managed pantomime at the age of 12 at the Bristol Hippodrome but never had the balls because knew with my accent I'd always get miss Marples maid "ooh ar miss thars sumone to see you at the door" I bet you were a tour de force in your role, and lets be honest, all the beat actresses are character actresses! xxx

    1. Good job you didn't see me then! Disappointment might have been the order of the day. Character actress... yes... cross Peggy Mount with Hattie add a dusting of Dame Judy and you have it!!!


  5. you are hilarious. I had a vision of you clearly in my head! Would love to see a photograph please!!!!!! I would love a cross between all those actresses sounds amazing. Well done, I haven't got the nerve to tread the boards! Well done to Ted!

  6. They (it) is on the way. All I have now is to beat off with a stick, all the stage-door Johnnies. You wouldn't believe it (best not!) they are camping down the drive in order to catch me in flagrante on the doorstep with the postie. The fan mail is arriving in sacks. I've even had to wash me winceyette jim-jams in case the paparazzi get a morning after Cherie Blair shot. You know the one, on the doorstep looking like a first class fright after the Labour Party's land-slide win.

    Watch this space...